


Letters I Will Never Send

by HeithChief



Series: Bokuroo Week 2018 [1]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Compliant, First Kiss, Hospitalization, I Will Go Down With This Ship, Love Confessions, M/M, Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-02
Updated: 2018-04-02
Packaged: 2019-04-17 11:50:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,977
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14188329
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HeithChief/pseuds/HeithChief
Summary: It's three months past high school graduation, Kuroo and Bokuto had plans to go to college together, they would have just started a new semester. That was the plan anyway, but the funny thing about life was things didn't always go to plan. Most of the time things played out in the exact opposite way instead. The day before Kuroo's graduation, Bokuto gets hit by car and falls into a comatose state. A month later he recieves a journal from Boktuo's mother filled with letters addressed to him. In them are close to fifty love confessions. Kuroo confesses his love to Bokuto, but it was too late. Bokuto couldn't hear him. Everyone told Kuroo to give up hope, but he couldn't. He could still feel Bokuto.





	Letters I Will Never Send

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first contribution to Bokuroo week 2018! For some reason the "I (still) feel you" prompt meant one of them had to be nearly dying. *shrug* Yesterday was very busy for me so I didn't get to edit and post this until now. Hopefully I'll have day 2 out later today too. Happy Bokuroo week!

****Kuroo took a deep breath and sighed as the overly strong, sanitized smell hit his nose as it did every day. He was getting too used to the smell and that thought made him sick to his stomach. The receptionist knew him too well, not even bothering more than a wave, she knew where he was going. He looked down after returning the greeting, taking in the green and white title he had memorized by now. All of it filled him with dread, but he had to be here. He couldn’t move on, if Bokuto was here, then so he would be too. Everyone told him to give up, to move on, to stop visiting, Bokuto wouldn’t notice, but Kuroo couldn’t do that. If he gave up hoping there would be no one left. He wondered if Bokuto’s mother would have stopped visiting if she wasn’t his nurse. Would she have given up too? Her words still haunted him as he rode the elevator and trekked the thirty-seven paces down the hall toward the room.

_“You should have this Kuroo-kun, I found it in a drawer when I was going through his things. He may have not wanted you to read them, but they’re addressed to you, and it doesn’t matter now.”_

_Her voice was shaking, sullen, and broken. She was giving up and it shattered Kuroo’s heart into tiny pieces. She worked at the hospital, she seen cases like Bokuto’s, she knew there was a chance he would get better, but it was too slim._

_"Mrs. Bokuto, please. Don’t give up.” Kuroo encouraged her, but the words were more for himself than for her.”_

_"I don’t want to, Kuroo-kun, but it’s just not likely. We’ll keep on life support for a while, the hospital is helping with expense because I’m an employee, but I can’t afford it forever. If he doesn’t wake up within four months, I doubt he ever will, and that’s my cut off.”_

_Kuroo took the subway home from Bokuto’s, but he refused to open the leather bound journal in his lap. Not until he was alone. The tears were already burning his eyes and threating to spill over, but he wouldn’t cry in public. He stayed strong for Bokuto’s mother, but only barely._

_Finally, when Kuroo got home and, had managed to brush off his own parents, they understood he needed time, he got to be alone. Slowly, he lowered himself onto his bed and opened the journal, the spine barely even cracking from all the use it had gotten. The first page was mostly blank, with a simple sentence in the center that read; “Letters I Will Never Send.”_

_Kuroo’s breath hitched when he turned the page and saw the heading “Dear Tetsu,” at the top dated over a year ago._

_**“Dear Tetsu,**_

**_It wouldn’t be right to start these off without telling you the real reason I wanted to write these. I love you. That’s it, I just do. When we met during our first year at the annual Tokyo training camp, I knew we would be fast friends. We were so alike. You laughed at my jokes, you got my stupid sense of humor, you loved (and still do) being overdramatic just for the fun of it, and you loved volleyball as much as I did. I was right, we were friends almost immediately. We became so close so fast and we loved teasing others and jokingly flirting with each other in front of everyone. Until this year when I realized my flirts were no longer a joke and it hurt when you brushed them off._ **

**_So, I backed off, but my feelings only grew with every time we hung out or laughed together. I love your smile, your crazy bedhead, and your way of provoking others…something about that is sexy to me. I don’t know if I’ll ever tell you. Maybe if I’m not over it by the end of our third year, I will. That’s it for now. I guess I’ll see you soon._ **

**_Love,_ **

**_Kou_ **

_Kuroo had to move the journal several times while reading to avoid getting tears on the pages and smearing the ink. He flipped through the pages, they were nearly all filled, each containing a letter detailing something fun they did together. Each memory was filled with a confession and something silly Kuroo did to make Bokuto love him even more. The final letter was written right before graduation. They had plans to go to college together and Kuroo swore he would tell Bokuto how he felt that summer. Apparently Bokuto was going to be him to it. That letter talked of plans of telling Kuroo at his own graduation, after the ceremony. It ended with: “well it’s the end of our third year and I’m not over you. Not even close.”_

_But Bokuto didn’t make it to Kuroo’s graduation. He made it to his own, but Nekoma’s was the day after. That day Bokuto Koutarou had been hit by a car and fell into a coma._

Today, Kuroo was very aware of Bokuto’s time limit. It had just over three months and today was Bokuto’s nineteenth birthday. Kuroo took note of the flowers by Bokuto’s bed, his mother had already been here today. He placed his things on table next to the flowers and sat down in his usual chair, pulling it close to the bed. It was both heartbreaking and scary to see Bokuto lying on bed, tubes protruding from different places, and the constant beeping of monitors to let them know he was still alive, but only just. Bokuto’s eyes were forever closed and just once Kuroo wished he could see those golden irises light up again.

One shaky breath later, Kuroo looked past all that and saw the boy he loved, taking his hand and lacing their fingers together. The others had given up, but Kuroo still felt like Bokuto was there, like he was listening when Kuroo talked. “Hi Kou, happy birthday. I came over as soon as my classes finished for today. I love you. I baked you a cake…even if you can’t eat it, I thought you’d still appreciate it. I’ll eat some for the both of us. I love you.”

He said those three words every time. The day he read the confession over and over on those pages, he rushed over to hospital, so he could accept them. That, and finally say them aloud himself. That was his one regret, that he hadn’t told Bokuto sooner, he felt something for Bokuto in their second year too. He was too scared, things were great, and he didn’t want to rock the boat in fear of sinking.

“I…”

“Of course, you’d be here today Kuro.”

Kuroo looked toward the door, his ears recognizing the voice before he had the face to match it. He gasped when he saw Akaashi, Komi, Konoha, and even Tsukishima and Hinata standing in the doorway. “…what is everyone doing here.”

“Kenma and I weren’t going to let you celebrate Bokuto-san’s birthday alone. So, we sent out a text to some friends.” Akaashi answered for him and stepped into the room, taking a seat in one of the empty chairs.

“Tsukki, I’m surprised to see you and you as well Shrimpy.” Kuroo stuck his tongue out at Hinata, who bristled immediately by the nickname.

“Akaashi texted me and Hinata found out I was skipping practice to make here on time and insisted on coming too.” Tsukishima said, in a matter-of-fact way and then took a seat. “Bokuto is my friend too.” He added quietly.

“Bokuto-san is so cool! Of course I’d come for his birthday.” Hinata piped up cheerfully as if Bokuto wasn’t lying unconscious in the middle of the room, almost as if he would really join the party.

“Bokuto-san wasn’t always the easiest person to get along with, he’s way too intense sometimes, but he was great captain and friend.” Komi added, taking a seat next to Konoha, who nodded along with his words.

“We brought plates and a candle for the cake.” Kozume said softly, handing them off to Kuroo before sitting beside him. “I checked with the nurse, as long as we blow the candle out quickly, we can do it.”

Kuroo’s lip trembled and he was so close to tears, but it would be so uncool of him to cry in front of everyone. He was just so touched. It seemed like everyone had given up, but now they were here, for Bokuto, and knowing Kozume, a little for Kuroo too. “Thank you everyone. I’m sure this will mean a lot to him.” Kuroo got up and uncovered the cake, yellow cake with chocolate frosting, Bokuto’s favorite. He composed himself for a moment and lit the single candle and brought over to the bed.

The group sang, led by Akaashi, but Hinata sang the loudest, as if he was trying out sing them all. Maybe he was, the kid always had such a competitive spirit. Kuroo stood by Bokuto’s head, closing his eyes and imagining for a moment what it would be like if Bokuto woke up. The smile on his face, the tears of happiness they would share, and he could actually eat his favorite cake. All of that faded away as the singing came to a close and Kuroo was forced to open his eyes again.

“Make a wish Koutarou.” Kuroo’s voice trembled and he waited for a moment making a wish himself. A wish he hoped Bokuto was making if he could hear them. That theory had still yet to be proven, but Kuroo talked to him as if it had. _Kou, darling, I love you. Please wake up soon. I don’t want to have to live through another day without you._ He blew out the candle for Bokuto and Akaashi quickly got up, taking the cake from Kuroo before he dropped it. “He’d hate that I blew it out for him.”

Kuroo had made the joke, but it didn’t feel real nor right. Nothing felt right. Bokuto should be awake, not in a coma. He should be celebrating with them, not just as guest, but a participant. The others talked around Kuroo, filling the silence as Kuroo fell into his chair. He barely registered Kozume’s concerned glances nor the plate that Akaashi handed him. He wished that none of this was real, because he didn’t feel anything. It was as if the events were happening and he was separated by pane of glass. He could see the others and they could see him, but he just couldn’t be part of them.

“Oh! I know! Why don’t we go around and say our favorite Bokuto-san moment?” Those words, cheerfully spoken by Hinata cracked the glass just a little. He smiled over at Kuroo, but Kuroo’s smile was pained and forced. “Okay. I’ll go first!” Hinata thought for a moment before his eyes lit up in a way that reminded Kuroo of Bokuto. “My favorite was when Bokuto-san taught me how to do a feint! It was so cool that he took time to teach me. Also, when I used it against him and he looked so surprised like he forgot he taught it to me.”

“His teammates were so mad.” Tsukishima added, smirking at the Fukurodani members, or former in most of their cases.

“Yeah, don’t remind us.” Konoha grumbled and the group laughed.

“I'll go to get it over with.” Tsukishima volunteered, but Kuroo he actually wanted to do this for Bokuto. “Mine was at training camp too. It was that dumb speech he gave during one of our third gym practices. About that moment that gets every player hooked on volleyball. I’ll deny it if you ever tell him Kuroo, but that stuck with me. I had that moment in our match against Shiratorizawa later that year and I remembered what Bokuto said. I had fun playing volleyball. It was more than just club then.”

“Tsukki! You’re going to make me cry. I’m definitely telling him.” Kuroo teased, finally cracking a small, genuine smile. He knew they had an effect on Tsukishima, but he hadn’t realized just how much until now.

“Shut up, bedhead, I never said anything.” Tsukishima looked away, but he was smiling a little.

“Mine are just playing with him in general,” Akaashi added and they all turned to him. “If I had to pick one moment, it would be when he finally nailed his straight in a game. We cheered so hard for that one. I’ve never played with an ace like him before. Someone who puts his all into a game and goes all in for the things he loves. I also had fun with him at training camp when he’s with you, Kuroo. He always had more fun with you and he was happier.”

Akaashi rarely showed his true feelings like this, but they were there. Bokuto was Akaashi’s best friend, and he only kept Bokuto in check because they were such good friends. It seemed they were getting a little too sappy because Komi and Konoha came in with silly stories of Bokuto messing up in practices. Akaashi joined in on those too, supplying other embarrassing or funny moments too.

“I don’t know if I could pick just one moment…every one with Bokuto was my favorite.” Kuroo said finally, when he was the only one left.

“You sap, Kuroo-san.” Tsukishima scoffed and rolled his eyes. They all knew it even if Kuroo had never said it to any one of them, Kuroo was hopelessly in love with Bokuto.

“One of my favorites was when Bokuto slept over at my house one day last summer just so he could wake me up at some ungodly hour. We went to the beach that day, just two of us to catch the sunrise. I was grouchy, and he treated me to coffee right after, but he wanted to share that moment with just me.” Kuroo supplied finally, after a moment of silence. He could still see those yellows, pinks, and oranges reflected in Bokuto’s eyes.

“He was always singled minded when it came to you.” Akaashi commented and the group, except Hinata, who really just didn’t catch on as easily, agreed with him.

“You all knew, didn’t you?

“You were the only who didn’t know, Kuro.” Kozume rolled his eyes but gave Kuroo a sympathetic smile.

  “Thanks, Kenma, so comforting.” Kuroo snapped sarcastically.

Things went a little smoother after that, they talked about school, volleyball, Bokuto stories, and other things until the nurse was threating to kick them all out for being too loud. Eventually they all left one by one until only Kuroo was left.

“That was quite the party, Kou. Though, it would have been better with you. Everything always is. Also, it would have been a lot louder and rowdier, but I like things that way.” Kuroo smiled down at him and then leaned in, placing one hand on Bokuto’s chest so he could feel his heartbeat. He kissed Bokuto’s cheek before moving his lips to the shell of Bokuto’s ear.

“Kou. I love you so much. Please, come back to me. I don’t want to do this without you anymore. I wished so hard on that birthday candle that you would wake up. I’m happy everyone made it out today, it was a nice surprise. I know they were doing it because its your birthday. They don’t believe like I do. I will never give up, Kou. I will never stop hoping you’ll wake up tomorrow and every tomorrow after that. I’ll see you tomorrow. I have to go now.”

Kuroo pulled away, pressing a small kiss onto Bokuto’s lips and left with tears, he’d been holding back all day, streaming down his face. Just before he got on the subway, his phone pinged with a message from Akaashi. The message only made Kuroo cry harder, Akaashi had recorded their "favorite Bokuto moments" conversation and told Kuroo he could hopefully show it to Bokuto when he woke up. So he wasn't the only one. Akaashi believed too.

* * *

Kuroo didn’t usually check his phone in class, he was still trying to get good grades after all. He needed the best he could, so he could transfer to a four-year university after this one. Everyone scolded him for choosing a community college over a university, but he needed to be close to home. He needed to be near Bokuto. When Bokuto woke up they would go to university together. Just like they always planned. His phone buzzed in his pocket again for the third phone call in a row. It had to be an emergency. He snuck a glance and saw “Bokuto’s Mom” flashing on the screen. Yes, he did call her that in his phone. Kuroo didn’t even think twice, he answered the call on his way out the lecture all. He took all his things with him. No matter what she said, he knew he wouldn’t be coming back to class.

“No, please, I have more time. It’s been _only_ three months. I still have one more, please don’t pull the plug. Kou’s birthday was yesterday, you can’t do that to your son…no! That can’t be your present to him.” Kuroo pleaded with her before she could even get out a single word. At that moment another thought occurred to him, what if she hadn’t taken him off life support? What if something inside Bokuto went wrong? “No. He didn’t…oh fuck…anything but that…”

“Kuroo-kun slow down.” Her voice, for the first time in three months didn’t sound sad. She was being reassuring. That was new, and it must have been a good sign. Then Kuro heard it, and his heart started pounding against his ribs so fiercely he was sure to break one. She let out a sob into the phone, but it wasn’t a sad one…it was followed by a little Bokuto-like chuckle. That ran in the family and Kuroo almost felt like he was listening to his best friend laugh. “He woke up this morning. His night nurse reported an unusual high amount of brain activity after that little party you all had for him last night. She went to change out his bed pan before my shift and he opened his eyes.”

Hot, heavy tears slipped down Kuroo’s cheeks, this time he didn’t care about crying in public, it didn’t matter anymore.  He started running for the subway as soon as he heard that little sob, nearly falling down a set of stairs in his excitement. He was going to get see those eyes and that smile he had been devoid of for so long. His Bokuto was back. “That’s amazing news. I’m on my way right now.”

“Good, I’m glad. He hasn’t stopped asking for you. He knows you’ve been here.” She paused to cry with Kuroo at the sound of those words. “I’m not usually a believer of the ‘talking to him helps’ mentality, but I really think it worked. Thank you for coming to see him every day. He was a little disoriented earlier, but as his memories and sense of reality returned, he’s been…well, hear it for yourself.”

There was a bit of background noise and then Kuroo heard it. Bokuto’s voice was a little rough from not using it, but it was his Bokuto. “Mom, did he pick up? Is Tetsu coming? Please, call him again if he didn’t answer. I need him.”

 They didn’t use their given names often, but Kuroo was going to use it every day now. “I’m coming Kou, getting on the train now. See you soon.” He had to hang up the phone so he didn’t catch Bokuto’s response, but he would hear for himself soon enough.

* * *

Kuroo greeted the receptionist with a smile for the first time ever, and she smiled back at him, maybe she knew. Maybe the whole hospital knew and they were celebrating. It wasn’t every day that a patient woke up from a three-month coma. For the first time, that antiseptic cleaner smell didn’t make his stomach turn and he welcomed those stupid green and white tiles. They would all lead him to a very awake Bokuto today. He eagerly tapped the elevator button multiple times, pressing harder each time as if it would make the car come faster. He surprised some nurse as he rushed inside the minute it opened. That didn’t matter right now, he tapped his foot to the ding of each floor until the doors pinged open at number four. Kuroo raced those thirty-seven paces and caught himself on the doorframe, breathing heavily from all the effort.

There.

Right then.

Two golden eyes lit up with excitement,

 Along with one smile so wide it nearly split Bokuto’s face in face in half.

Kuroo couldn’t take it, his knees gave out and he slid down to the floor, sobbing in the middle of doorway. He dreamed of this moment but didn’t know how to handle it when it finally arrived. His Bokuto was back, and in that moment Bokuto had never looked more beautiful.

“Tetsu…don’t cry.” Bokuto urged, gently reaching out to Kuroo.

“I’m just so happy, Kou. I—” He said it so many times to Bokuto’s unconscious form, but it was different now that Bokuto was awake. Did he know? Kuroo finally gained the strength to stand and he hurried over to Bokuto, sitting on bed so he could be as close as possible. “It’s really you.”

“I heard you. It was spotty at times and I wasn’t there for long, but I could feel you. I knew you were here.” Bokuto blurted, feeling like he had to get that out immediately. His hand found Kuroo’s as it was already second nature. In a way, it already was. “I love you. I never told you, but—”

“You wrote it. Your mom gave me the journal.” Kuroo supplied for him.

Bokuto’s mouth fell open and he glared toward the door in betrayal as if he could send it out to his mom. “Traitor.”

Kuroo laughed and Bokuto looked back at him, joining in the minute they made eye contact. They always made each other laugh, sometimes just by looking at one another. These kinds of laughs were full body, belly laughs, the kind that Kuroo hadn’t done in three months. It felt foreign, but so good because it was with Bokuto. “I have a confession.” Kuroo admitted once he could finally talk again.

“I know, you love me too. I heard that.”

“Good.” Kuroo smiled at him, “but that’s not what I was going to say. In your first letter you wrote how much it hurt when I brushed off your flirts.”

“Ugh.” Bokuto groaned, dragging his hand slowly down the length of his face. “You have it memorized? How many times did you read it. That’s so embarrassing. Those were letters I would never send for a reason.”

“Are you going to let me finish?” Kuroo smirked at him and Bokuto removed his hand from his face so he could look at Kuroo. “I did that, in our second year, because I was embarrassed. I wanted them to be real, but I convinced myself they weren’t.”

“…you liked me back then too. We’re idiots. And now I just wasted three months asleep. All that time we could have been together.”

“We’ll just have to make up for it now.” Kuroo grinned and leaned into close, he hesitated and let Bokuto close the space, pressing their lips together. It was cliché and over done, but Kuroo didn’t care. The kiss was better than he could imagine, fireworks behind his eyelids, butterflies in his stomach, the whole shebang, but mostly it was _fucking finally._


End file.
